A wonderful TED video on new ways to diagnose correctly. By looking into what is going on in the brain directly instead of just observing behavior we can diagnose problems such as autism correctly.
The process of overcoming fears, identifying and changing core beliefs, dealing with emotions, meditation, being present with your emotions, and all the other myriad of steps you can take towards living a happy and fulfilling life can be overwhelming. So sometimes it helps to take a step back and have a sense of humor about the process.
The Most Important Thing You Can Do For Your Happiness mp3 (38min)
For details on how you can take practical steps towards some of these most important things you can do the exercises in the Self Mastery Audio Program on my site. The first few sessions are available free for you to sample.
What’s possible in the realm of happiness and quieting your mind?
I come across many people that assume the level of mastery they have over their emotions and beliefs is the limit of what is possible.
If a person gets angry and says, “That’s just the way I am,” they assume everyone else will react the same way.
If a person has an emotional reaction and they are able to shift their point of view later and dissolve the emotion. Then they think that’s normal and all that can be done. The idea of a person NOT reacting at all isn’t real. Just fiction. “Nobody can do that. They are just repressing their emotions.”
For the person who has lots of ongoing chatter in their mind (the Spanish word is mitote) they dismiss the possibility of anybody having a quiet mind. They haven’t experienced it in their mind, they haven’t imagined it, and so it isn’t possible. The basic assumption is that what goes on in our mind is what goes on in everyone’s mind.
If you haven’t accomplished quieting your mind or being calm with your emotions during life’s challenges then it is difficult to imagine doing it. After all,,, that’s where it takes place,,, in the imagination.
There’s even a bit of self importance that resists the idea that more could be done than what you are doing. There’s probably going to be an emotionally painful self judgment if you really admit that others have developed these skills and you haven’t yet. So in order to avoid this painful self judgment that might ensue,,,, we avoid imagining what is possible in terms of peace and quiet in our mind and happiness in our relationships.
Our mind through its resistance literally dismisses the possibility of a happier and more enjoyable emotional state before we even consider it is possible.
That’s a pretty limiting assumption behind that fear based belief.
It’s odd because we can imagine someone making a hole in one in golf or a half court shot in basketball because we might have seen it done. But you can’t see into another person’s emotional state or hear the quietness of their mind very well. You can only imagine it with your own mind and experience your own emotions. This is very limiting perception. To go further you are going to have to perceive beyond what your current beliefs tell you.
For exercises and practices in expanding your awareness and eliminating fear based core beliefs do the exercises in the Self Mastery program.
How many times in our process have we had the thought, “I should be further along than I am.”
Really?
To that comment I sometimes like to ask two questions,
One: “In terms of percentage, how far along should you be?”
Two: “In terms of percentage, how far along are you?”
The assessment without those questions always seems vague and without validation. When you ask in terms of something specific like percentage, you can narrow down the answer to between 0 and 100. That by itself is still a lot of choices, but at least the criteria is more specific. I think it’s easier to answer when you make it specific. But even when I make it easier like this people don’t seem to be able to answer. They don’t know how far along they are and they don’t know how far along they should be. Yet somehow they “know”, “I’m not as far along as I should be.”
How do they “know”? It’s really that they have an image in their mind of themselves as a failure and they believe that the image is them. In short,,, they believe it. What we believe in our mind is what we “know.” What can be weird about this is that we can “know” something and it still not be true. What we “know” is that we are not as far along as we should be. We “know” it only because we believe it, whether it is true or not. We have no real measurement of our progress, or what reasonable progress should look like, but we accept the conclusion as truth. The result of accepting this idea as truth is that we feel like a failure.
Because the voice in your head thinks something doesn’t mean it has to be true. Sometimes the voice in our head can tell us things that aren’t truth. When we believe the lies that it says, we are likely to unnecessarily suffer emotionally.
When we believe the voice in our head is telling us the truth, and we feel like we “know” it. That sense of knowing can give us a feeling of confidence in what we know. We feel smart in our knowing, even if what we know isn’t true, and makes us unhappy.
Let’s call that voice in our head that is criticizing us the Judge. Sometimes it tells us the truth. Sometimes it tells us lies. Sometimes that judge can be so critical it is berating and abusive. It can drag us back into emotional suffering with its lies. Because that voice of the Judge has guided us towards success and away from failure in the past we tend to accept what it says as true. We unconsciously consider it an advisor. The voice of the Judge tells us we should be farther along and we assume it is somehow helping us. That’s not the only thing that is happening.
Sometimes when the internal dialog of the Judge is putting us down we justify that it is helping us. “It’s giving me a good kick so I’ll work harder,” is the kind of response we defend the Judge with. Sometimes we accept this defense at face value. When we do we believe it and now it feels true. We “know” it. Except if we look at little closer the explanation starts to fall apart.
What does “further along” really mean. Further along towards what? “Further along” really means happier. “I’m not as far as long as I should be,” translates to: “I’m not as happy as I should be.” What does it take to be happier? Happier means more love. Love comes in the form of self acceptance and self respect.
The voice of the Judge rejects us. It is not accepting and it is not respectful of our own well being and yet we defend this criticism as “motivational help.” We justify that the harder it is on us the more that it is motivating us. You’d be surprised how often I get this kind of explanation. The truth is that the more it criticizes us for not being far enough along, the more we reject our self. The more we believe this voice in our head, the unhappier we are. So how could this self rejection that the Judge is doing, which is the opposite of self acceptance and self respect possibly be helping us towards happiness?
It can’t.
It’s kind of like this. The judge is throwing dirt on you when you are not clean enough. It says, “Hey, you don’t accept your self enough so take this rejection and you will improve our self. It’s really becomes ridiculous when you are aware of it. But that’s part of the trick. You have to shift your perspective to become aware of it.
So what can you do to help your self? It starts with awareness. First you need awareness that what you think, may not be true. Awareness that you don’t always have to believe what you think. Then, with a little practice, you learn to scrutinize the internal dialog of the Judge and find out that it’s not always helpful.
A few things to consider.
That voice in your head may have been more helpful in the past, but as we get older it gets out of control. It spends more time berating us than guiding or helping us. When it comes to self acceptance, respect, love, and happiness,,, it doesn’t have much experience. Most of what that voice in your head “knows” is about fear. It is constantly telling you what you have to do and should do to avoid what you fear. The problem with the information it is giving you is that it is based on what it knows from the past. It assumes that all future experiences will be like the past ones. We have a very powerful memory, and it distorts how we see the present moment when we believe the internal dialog in our head.
For insights on how to change this dynamic of falling for the self rejection that goes on in your mind Listen and Practice the exercises in the Self Mastery course. The first 4 sessions are free. Sign up here. You might also want to check out the free audio about self awareness and changing beliefs.
Interview with Miguel Ruiz about The Fifth Agreement in this mp3 audio podcast.
Don Miguel Ruiz talks about the book, The Fifth Agreement. It is a follow up and completes the teachings he started in The Four Agreements. In this interview he talks about how the belief system of the creates a virtual reality, Judgment Day, Human Sacrifices going on today, How we distort Love, Having Respect for Your Self, How to use Doubt to question your beliefs,
Miguel also shares about the development of his son, Don Jose Luis, and his intense passion for the truth that inspired him to write the book together. As well as how they both experienced his heart attack and how we was facing death without fear.
In short the Fifth Agreement is “Be skeptical, but learn to listen.” However just having this agreement doesn’t serve you as well unless you have the context of why it will lead you towards inner peace and happiness. In The Fifth Agreement Don Miguel explains the structure of language, and how from language we create symbols in our mind to explain experiences of life with our rational mind. He calls it knowledge. Over the years that language of symbols becomes alive in our mind and takes on a life of it’s own until we can not even stop our own thinking. We end up with a voice in our head that we can not control. In the process we lose the experience of inner quiet and peace. When you learn to be skeptical you take your faith out of all those symbols and recover the joy of peace and quiet in your own mind.
A link to Amazon.com where you can purchase a copy of The Fifth Agreement
Some people say FEAR is False Evidence Appearing Real.
That’s a nice acronym. It’s catchy. It’s also not true.
Calling it False Evidence is saying that fear is an illusion or a lie. Lies are made of words. Fear is an emotion.
We can create fear as a reaction to believing illusions, lies, or false evidence. But fear is not the illusion or false evidence. There is the illusion we imagine in our mind, and then there is the emotion we create as a reaction. Of course we only react with emotion when we believe it to be real. It’s that believing part that makes the illusion APPEAR real. You could say that we make the illusion appear real. In any case, there is the appearance of things, and then there is how we create emotion as a reaction.
We can also create fear as a reaction to something that is a very real. If you are flying in an airplane and it has an emergency where it is losing altitude you are likely to feel fear. You don’t have to panic, but fear is probably going to be there. The evidence isn’t false. It’s real and the fear is too. Evidence is not the same as emotion. Not all fear is from false evidence, and so our catchy phrase about what fear is false at times.
A person can also come to complete acceptance of their mortality and the letting go of their body when they come face to face with death. In this case there is evidence of something real like the passing of their body, and yet no fear. Perhaps that is because in that moment there exists no presence of any illusions about death. There is a only a complete presence and acceptance of a coming experience for their body. Without making up any beliefs about death there is no fear.
Fear is not False Evidence. Nor is Fear Evidence Appearing Real. We can create fear as a reaction to false evidence or real experience. Fear is an emotion we create. It is often created as a reaction to things, but with enough awareness it doesn’t have to be.
They definition of fear is kind of catchy. The problem with catchy is there’s usually too much distortion in those catchy phrases. The phrase about Fear being False Evidence Appearing Real is at least pointing our attention to the fact that we may be reacting to an illusion. On the other hand,,, the catchy phrase itself is also false and misleading testimony about fear. The result is that, at best, we are dispelling one illusion in our mind while we are creating another.
For other insights, listen to the Free Audio
For a step by step program in identifying and changing core beliefs, listen to the audio in the Self Mastery Course. The first few sessions are free.
This is just a quick update to say that all my content (new and old) is progressively moving over to my site at www.jonathanevatt.com
I may double post some content to the FEAL site from time to time, but it will only be a double post of what I put up on the jonathanevatt.com site.
So please visit that site today, join the newsletter, follow the links to track me on Facebook and Twitter, and generally have fun!!
With heart,
Jonathan
© FEAL for Forever Expanding Awareness In Liberation, 2010. |
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I interviewed Joe who used the Self Mastery course to overcome his anger and anxiety reactions. He’s started to be aware that some of his emotional reactions are completely gone At other times he finds it enjoyable to experience emotions that used to be unpleasant. He’s still working towards emotional mastery but is well on his way. In this interview he shares how the course has changed his anger reactions in traffic, relationships with his wife and kids, and experiences at work.
Overcoming Anger and Anxiety using the Self Mastery Course (podcast 31 48min)
After the interview I share some insights on why I think Joe’s approach is successful. He’s not approaching his emotional change with a sense of urgency. Rather he’s consistently addressing what’s going on in his belief system 10 and 15 minutes at a time. The fact that he’s working through things without being in a hurry means that it has a much larger strategic importance to him than just something you need to do in a hurry. When we are trying to change things in a hurry it’s usually because there is a fear driving our urgency. When you are trying to change an emotional state like anger or anxiety, and fear is driving you to do it, you are really only adding fuel to the fire.
An urgent approach is what you use when fear is driving your solution path. And you’ll probably give up working on the change when your emotions cycle again. A consistent approach is what you do when change is important enough to work at it long term.
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PS…. Joe is a lawyer by trade… If a lawyer can make embrace love, forgiveness, and happiness, then there’s hope for everyone. Either that,,, or we just got the whole lawyer stereotype completely wrong.
What should I do?
When you ask this question to someone else,,, you are opening the door to giving away your personal power and creating a victim mindset. This is a dangerous question to ask. At the same time guidance can be helpful.
In the early stages of our personal development we ask many questions. In the beginning the questions are general, unfocused, and many times harmful. We aren’t aware of how powerful a question can be at controlling our attention and occupying our mind with very limited ways of thinking. Usually we are in a unhappy or confused state when we ask these types of questions. And the types of questions that arise from this mind set act to reinforce the very emotions we are trying to get out of.
What are some better questions to ask?
What is the kind thing to do?
What is the respectful thing to do?
What is the compassionate thing to do?
What do I not want?
How will I treat myself?
How will I treat others?
How do I want to feel?
Learning to ask better questions is a skill. Like any skill it can take time. However the more we are aware of the questions we ask, the less automatic they are. The more aware of each question our mind asks, and the automated way our imagination and emotions respond the better we will get at asking questions.
The most common of beginner question is, “What should I do?” Why is this such a poor question to ask when we are wrapped up in emotional issues? That question can lead us back into the same negative belief structure that asked it.
The question implies or assumes that there is a particularly “right” answer. Whenever we are looking for the “right” answer our mind flips into a mode of duality and looks at things in a right/wrong split. All answers that are not the “right” answer are classified as wrong. There can be one thousand wrong. You can imagine a poor outcome with any action you take thereby making the action appear wrong. All of these with any possible negative outcome are classified as “wrong.” It is assumed that the “right” or “should” action will result in everything being right and everyone being happy. It’s a very high standard of perfection that is implied when we use the word “should” or “right.”
This very high, and often unreasonable expectation sets us up for feeling like a failure.
Having an image of perfection or an expectation in and of itself isn’t the really bad part. It could even be good when it motivates us to take action or inspire creativity. The bad part is that the mental construct of an image of perfection sets you up for two rounds of self judgment.
Once you adopt this mental construct of what you “should” do, you also build a self image of the kind of person you should be. So now there are two images of perfection. One is of the action that leads to the perfect outcome. The second image of perfection is more personal. It is of who you should be. There can be more perfection images in the mind such as, how everyone else should feel, that can complicate this even further, but lets keep it simple for now.
With these two imaginary images the voice of the inner judge now has two concepts it can use for comparison. With its typical method of comparison there can only be two outcomes. The best outcome possible is that you meet the expectations of your belief system. No praise here. All you did was what was expected of you. With your greatest effort you broke even by meeting expectations of your belief system.
The second outcome isn’t that kind. For any lesser action, even the emotional reactions of another person that you can’t control, the inner judge criticizes you. “I could have (should have” done that differently.” The second judgment follows the first. If you didn’t succeed in achieving the image of perfection outcome then you failed. If you failed, then that means you are a failure. It’s a simple duality based conclusion the judge and victim voices in your head do automatically. The result is self rejection in the form of a self judgment.
This self rejection happens in your own head and can be emotionally powerful. When we are preoccupied trying to answer the question, “What should I do?” our attention is so wrapped up in the importance of figuring out the right thing to do that we don’t see this set up to self judgment.
Why is our attention so wrapped up with figuring out the “right” thing we “should” do? Somewhere in our sub-conscious belief system we sense that the painful self judgment will come if we do things wrong. We are afraid of the painful self judgment from our inner judge and we seek to avoid it. We feel the pressure to get things “right” but don’t notice that much of the motivation is really about avoiding the pain of self judgment that is going to be generated in our imagination.
We feel the pressure from the voices in our head but don’t notice that this is just our imagination and belief system at work. It usually takes a person a while to realize that this emotional self abuse is optional. We are so used to self judgment by the time we are adults that we accept this as an unchangeable reality. Then the only solution to avoid the punishment that we perceive is to get the answer “right.” And “right” means perfect where everyone is satisfied. Of course we don’t notice that this standard assumes that everyone will interpret the action and the outcome free from any judge and victim perspectives. (not likely)
It can be very helpful to seek help, guidance, and support. However we can help our self more when we are mindful of the questions we ask and how their underlying assumptions can be setting us up for self judgment.
Be Mindful When Asking for Help
I’m all for advice. I like to pick the brains and perspective of seasoned individuals that have proven results in an area. It can save us a lot of time in learning so we don’t have to figure everything out on our own. What I am not in favor of is collecting of images of perfection that the inner judge uses as an expectation to measure our self worth. The next time you ask someone, “What should I do?” take a moment to notice whether your inner judge might use their answer in a conspiracy of self-judgment against you.
Please don’t ask me to give you advice about what you “should” do. I probably won’t answer you directly. If I answer your question in the format you expect, then I am providing you with an image of a perfection for an outcome that may or may not be achievable. You are asking an image of perfection that the inner judge can use. I’m probably going to try to do you the favor of not feeding this structure of beliefs. My answer might come back as a question or redirect your attention to looking at the situation differently.
Some people will have a reaction to this. They will get upset because I haven’t answered directly. They are so fixated on getting things “right” that they feel cheated when avoid the trap their belief system is making. I know that person is upset because their only hope to avoid painful self judgment is to get the answer of what they “should” do. And any delay in getting that answer has them slipping further into the jaws of the self judgment for getting it “wrong.”
I apologize for not answering directly. But I’m not trying to satisfy your hope of getting things right. I’m actually trying to save you from a much bigger problem. The bigger problem is that painful self judgment and the fear it creates drives the mind to believe that the “right” answer is the only hope.
Please don’t ask me to conspire with the trap your belief system creates with self judgments. At the same time, it is okay and even advisable in most situations to seek counsel and guidance. Just do your best to be aware and avoid this trap of self judgment.
If you have another question,,, a better question,,, I might give a more direct answer. Look back to the beginning of this article for some ideas on how to ask a better question. If these questions don’t apply, then ask other questions. If you can’t come up with another question then ask, “What questions should I be asking?” There are lots of ways that you can get help, support and guidance from people through sticky situations without building images of perfection that the judge will use.
There are lots of questions that I work on asking that will help you to look at the situation differently. There is a lot that can be done with perspective and inquiry that is extremely helpful without anyone telling you what you should do.
So if I don’t respond to your question of, “What should I do?” in a way that you expect then I hope this explains it. I’m not trying to give you ice cubes so the pain from the fire stops. I’m trying to help you put out the fire that you are sitting in.
Suggestions for Success
To help you get more out of the Self Mastery program here’s a suggestion:
1. Don’t go for Perfection
This may sound strange but the assignments I give aren’t always things you can accomplish, at least not right away.
Some people think that session 4 is the hardest. They just agree with people or disagree as an automatic reaction before realizing it. The assignment is to refrain from doing this, but I’m not expecting success. As a matter of fact more can be gained by failing.
If all you get out of this exercise is to realize that you don’t control the words coming out of your mouth, and that much of your behavior is on automatic pilot,,, then I’d say that’s enough for a start. While it might seem like you’ve failed at the goal you’ve actually accomplished a lot in the process. You are now aware of this dynamic. Your awareness has expanded. You are now being self reflective and beginning to adopt a new perspective of being an observer. You also have an insight into how agreements/beliefs are made in subtle quick ways and how quickly we accept opinions as fact and truth. It is this new perspective that is most important at this point.
You might not like what you notice, but that’s the inner judge starting to take over. You’ve taken an important step towards change because you can’t change a behavior until you know about it. Just noticing these types of things in the free sessions, even if you aren’t able to change them is the most important lesson. The exercises in the paid sessions are more focused at the successfully implementing change. The exercise used to help you discover and become aware of behavior dynamics is not necessarily the one that will be useful for changing those dynamics.
If you come out these exercises feeling like a failure or pissed off at your self for failing then you’ve had another self judgment. Not necessarily good, and not my intent, but that’s the nature of a mind out of control at this point. Exercises in Session 6 and later begin to address this. These somewhat humbling realizations are a necessary part of the process. They cause us to see things about our self, our emotions, and our belief system running automatically that was previously unconscious to us. That’s part of the waking up process. Listen to my January podcast on Conscious Awakening for more insights on this.
The Free sessions in the Self Mastery program are usually not enough to completely and permanently stop most major emotional reactions. What the free sessions are intended to do is help you become aware of what is going on in your mind. With that expanded skill of observation arises the intrinsic motivation to address the real issues of underlying beliefs. Some people will realize this and get motivated to change their beliefs. But you can’t really start addressing these beliefs until you see what they are and how the work.
Others will get caught up in the self judgment of their belief system that creates a feeling of failure. If a person is not aware of the dynamic pf their belief system and able to observe it as the problem, they will push the exercises away thinking it is making them feel worse. It’s not the exercises that are the problem. It’s the unrealistic expectations their mind makes and the self rejection based on that unconscious expectation that they are reacting to. If this is happening, the problem with the sessions isn’t failure or even you. The problem is with the belief system in the mind making unreasonable and unconscious expectations about success, and then automated self judgments
So do your best not to get tricked into your mind’s assumption that you need to do these practices perfectly before going forward. Some people I’ve talked to stop listening to new session because they haven’t mastered the current one yet. It’s a trap of a false expectation that stops progress.
For best results don’t try to do any of these exercises perfectly. Just do them. Even do them with little or no success. It’s not the perfection of these practices that are important. It’s the doing of them in whatever fashion you can that will make the difference. Trying to do them perfectly plays into the hands of the way our mind does self judgment. First an unrealistic expectation, and then a self rejection. This becomes so painful emotionally that we stop the practice before we have a chance to get decent at it.
Some people will get success with an exercise in 10 minutes. Some will get success in 10 hours of practice, and some in 10 weeks. Don’t worry if you don’t get success with an exercise in a few weeks and you get tired of trying. Give it up for a while and go on to the next one. You don’t need to get proficient at any of them as prerequisites in order to have success at this process. Later, after a couple weeks or months of practicing other exercises, come back to the ones you skipped and try them again. You’ll be a different person by then, and you’ll likely notice different things about the exercise that you didn’t see the first time.
Some people might feel discouraged by the fact that they don’t get immediate results. To me the speed at which you make changes in your thoughts, beliefs, emotions, and behaviors is not as important as making these changes successfully. After all,, if you are not successful,,, then then your efforts at going fast were wasted.
