Mass Density

It’s been observed that  mindfulness meditation and mindfulness practices actually change areas of the brain.

More than once people have been told by professional that their personality is fixed by the time they are 6 or 10 years old. They have emotional aspects when they are adults and told that they can’t be changed. “All you can do is manage the condition.” I don’t believe this one bit. And now there is good evidence for you not to believe it either.  A neuro-imaging study of the brain indicates changes in areas of the brain related to self awareness, compassion, and introspection.

The study points out that it doesn’t prove a direct link, but that’s understandable considering that it is rather difficult to show a direct link between where and how we focus our attention and how our brain matter responds.   What it does indicate is that there is more here going on than assuming there is no relation at all.  It is also worth noting that areas of the brain associated with our emotional state do change.  So the notion that our personality is “fixed” should be considered a myth lacking evidence and not the other way around.

If you want to engage in some practices of meditation and mindfulness you will find some free exercises in the Self Mastery course.

Practical Wisdom Talk by Barry Swartz

From the TED Talks Archives:

We can’t solve our problems by laying down a set of rules and pretending that following them to the letter will produce desired results. There are consequences for having rules, and they are not always good.

Holiday Stress

It is the best of times.  It is the worst of times.  It’s that time of year when we have more parties, social gatherings, big meals with family, presents, beautiful music, all celebrated in our best attire.  It can also be the most emotionally stressful of times as well.  How does that happen?

What produces stress?  Stress can be created by a difference between reality, and our mentally projected version of reality, or a mentally projected version of what reality “should be.”   This mentally projected version of reality is what I like to call “Virtual Reality.”   When our Virtual Reality expectations don’t match with real life, we feel uncomfortable tension emotionally.  We can call that feeling stress.  But it doesn’t stop there.

We then have the impulse to feel better.  This is perfectly natural and a good thing.  Except the way that we go about trying to “fix” things or make changes can make things worse. The assumed solution to changing this feeling is to make reality fit our mental virtual reality.  We try to change people and everything in our life assuming it will make us feel better.   Our thoughts focus on “making every issue perfect” and worrying about what might fail to meet our mental virtual reality.  We work extra hard to control those variables of people, food, decorations, lighting, timing, music, parking, and even other peoples emotions make things “just right.”  However, “just right” is really a reference to what our belief system has defined as “just right.”  And all of this is to satisfy that made up world of a belief system in our imagination.

Even if we are successful at making things fit our virtual picture we are likely to end up exhausted from the work and worry. We didn’t have a very enjoyable time.  Our experience of the event was largely an experience of stress and worry in our mind and hard work in the real world.  We stressed and willed things to turn out just like planned but ended up not enjoying them that much.  The only satisfaction is in the mission of the virtual reality accomplished but no enjoyment in the moment.   More likely though we didn’t make holiday event fit our virtual formula of “perfect” and react with disappointment, self judgment at failure, or even anger.

Sometimes the tension and worry we feel and why we work so hard to control things is because we want so desperately to avoid the painful emotional reaction our mind will have if expectations are not met.

There is another solution to all this holiday stress.  We don’t have to stress and work hard to control all the variables and make all people, events, decorations, music, food, and conversation fit your mind’s imagined script of “just right.”  The other option is to be aware of your beliefs that make up the virtual reality version and do some mental stretching.  Make your expectation beliefs flexible so they fit closer to reality. You might do this from the start.  Or if something happens during the execution phase of the plan (your plane is delayed due to weather) you adjust your expectation beliefs right then.   With some practice you will find that it is much easier to change the scripted expectations in your virtual reality than it is to change events and people.

There is nothing wrong with trying to make life and events what you want them to be.  That’s not a problem.  The problem is when we automatically follow this agenda that we fail to be aware of what we can not change.  Being aware of the virtual reality desires and consciously modifying them when needed gives us a way to reduce and even eliminate the stress of the holiday season.  It’s also how you can lower your stress year around.

One of the hidden beliefs behind stress is that we can control all things, all things.  We might intellectually know that we can’t control everything.  We might remind our selves that we can’t, but underneath the thought we still believe that we can. It is a false belief that adds to our stress and results in controlling behavior even when we intellectually “know” better.  Intellectual ideas and thoughts of rationality don’t change emotional beliefs.

Telling our self,   “Oh I should just relax because I know that I can’t control everything,” is not an effective antidote to stress. It can help, but probably won’t fully dissolve the tension and feelings of stress.  In some cases it can actually add to the stress problem.

The thought, “I should just relax and enjoy what is going on,” can actually add stress.  How could a helpful reminder actually cause more stress?  This added stress is caused the same way that celebrating the holidays causes stress.   In the virtual reality of our mind we create an image of how we should be relaxed and enjoying things.  But that virtual version of our self doesn’t match with our real self.  Our real self is still stressed, worried, and maybe frantic.  There is a disparity between our stressed self and our imagined self that should be relaxed.  The difference between our real self and virtual relaxed self sets up another layer of tension.  We are not what the virtual story our mind says we should be and that induces more emotional stress.

We may have the intellectual thought about being relaxed, but ideas aren’t usually enough to change beliefs driving our emotions and behaviors.

Actual relaxing would entail taking a deep breath, feeling it, putting attention on where your muscles are tight in your body and relaxing them, observing the chatter in your mind and laughing at it, taking a moment to notice the beauty and the people around you  etc.  This would be actually relaxing.  But telling your self to do it and doing it are two different things. I suggest relaxing in those moments of stress, don’t just tell your self to do it.   If you find your self telling your self to relax, then please actually do some of these things.

Our Reactions:  “ You’ve Ruined Christmas”

Planning is good, helpful, and even necessary to get things done. The desire and effort to make things beautiful and enjoyable are to be commended.  But what happens when decorations, events, people, or the stuffing doesn’t come out just right?  We react with disappointment, frustration, sadness or anger?   These emotional reactions are clues that our belief system has a virtual reality version different from reality.

With the myriad of events going on this month, something is going to get overlooked, be out of budget, or there just won’t be time for it.   The person responsible for the stuffing might use the wrong sausage (yes a little spicy sausage makes it amazing) or the wrong apples, or no apples at all. Maybe somebody got apple pie instead of your favorite pumpkin, or the turkey is a little dry.  In our mind the most important element of the meal didn’t get met.  The first, and sometimes the only interpretation from the belief system is, “the stuffing (or fill in your own dish) was ruined.  Maybe with all the expectations of our virtual reality about every detail we’ve built up a big reservoir of emotional stress.  Perhaps with so many things not getting met we are filled with disappointment, frustration or anger.  We build up a reservoir of emotion and not it is under pressure.  That emotion wants to vent out. It doesn’t feel good to us to keep it under pressure.  It sees the disappointment with the stuffing as the opportunity and the reservoir of emotion bursts.  Our thoughts and comments about the stuffing exaggerate to “Now the whole meal is ruined”.  With enough emotion we can even feel that “Christmas is ruined.”

At that point we aren’t really experiencing the Holiday. What we are feeling and experiencing is our own emotions.  Those emotions are there largely as a result of the expectations in our mind not getting met.  Those expectations in the virtual reality of our belief system are something that we are responsible for, and that we can change.  It’s not that the meal was wrong, it is that the meal was “wrong” according to the virtual version in our mind of what was “right.”   At that moment you might not be able to change the stuffing, the pie, the turkey, or what someone said, but you can change the belief in your mind, and that will change how you emotionally experience your Holiday.  Changing your beliefs is not only a way to avoid the stress in the preparation phase, but to avoid the emotional reactions in the execution phase.

Maybe you won’t be completely successful at your attempt to have a stress- free holiday this year.  But with some guidance from the Self Mastery course, and some practice, perhaps you will make some changes and be on the path to making every holiday a happy one.

One other thing that will help with Holiday Stress

Nobody else has your script of the Perfect Holiday.  Your child might have a big story (read virtual reality version) of what will make Christmas perfect. For him or her it might be a particular present they want.  You sister’s preferred recipe for stuffing doesn’t include sausage.  (Hard to believe but it is possible.  Maybe she is vegetarian.)  For her, putting sausage in the stuffing ruins the dish.  She doesn’t eat turkey so the stuffing is the meal and now the meal is ruined.  She has a lot of her virtual reality expectations not getting met and her stress disappointment, sadness, and anger is building.

In your script of the perfect holiday, your odd Uncle or grandpa doesn’t tell the same story that you hate every year.  In reality, he does tell that story.  He loves telling that story.  He can’t wait for the holiday meal so he can tell that story again.  The point here is that everyone has developed expectations about this time of year.  The person next to you has expectations in the virtual reality of their mind about how people and things should be, and how they shouldn’t be.  And I’m willing to bet that their version is different than yours.   Each of your versions will be different.  If you try to impose your will and make everything perfect to your version, you might just be “ruining their Christmas.”

Maybe this holiday season the solution to a happier, stress free holiday is a spirit of giving.  Perhaps this year we give up some of your expectations.  Specifically virtual reality expectation in the mind that cause us to stress and then react when things don’t go as expected.  The first step in this path to happiness is to be aware of what your expectations are.

By giving up things in your belief system you can let someone else have it their way.  This is a simple way to help share some joy.  Some people distort this to mean that they are giving in.  In reality you are using the opportunity to free your self from the limiting beliefs that cause you stress and unhappiness.  So in truth, you are giving your self the opportunity to experience greater freedom and happiness.  It’s a gift that serves your happiness, and those around you.  Freedom from the limiting beliefs that cause you emotional stress and unhappiness is a great gift to give your self this holiday season. And any other season as well.

I wish Many Blessings to You, your family, and friends this year and next.  May you experience the emotional feeling of happiness, love, and joy every day of your life.

Gary van Warmerdam

PS.  As a reminder of the many blessings you have, you might take the time and listen to session 1 of the Free Self Mastery series on Gratitude.

Brene Brown a researcher, a story teller, and a human being shedding insight on not feeling connected, unworthiness, and how to be happy. A talk about how her scientific research her to look inward be more accepting and feel more emotions.

Jake calls me up because he is looking for a solution to his problems.  He fills me in on his relationship issues.  After more than 20 years of marriage his wife has decided to move on.  She told him he could stay in the house for the sake of the kids, but would have to sleep in another room.  He thought that wasn’t much of a life, and not much of an example for the children.  He got a townhouse and compared to his old home it’s pretty small.

The problem didn’t start here.  There’s been tension for years.  Three years ago he looked out into the future and realized that at a certain point the kids would be moved out and it would just be the two of them.  He thought he should do something to improve the situation and get closer with his wife as there wasn’t much connection there.  Attempts to communicate and share lead nowhere.  His efforts to be more affectionate were rebuked.  He would try to talk and she didn’t want to.  After years of failing you just stop trying.  Wanting some kind of connection, and not finding it at home he began perusing the internet.  This led to more problems with his wife.

When Jake is in his townhome he’s afraid of being alone and not having anyone for the rest of his life.  Old patterns of jealousy from high school resurfaced.   Late at night his head is filled with annoying thoughts about what she is doing.  He feels compelled to get in his car and drive over to her house (his old house).  As an engineer he is intellectually smart enogh to know it is silly.  At the same time, there are forces of emotion driving him to behaviors he doesn’t want to do.  He goes back to his small townhouse, and is sad at the direction of his new life.  He longs for a happier time with his wife.  If only she would open up to him he hopes.  That would change everything.

Jake is considering the financial costs of divorce.  He doesn’t like it.  On top of that, he’s feeling that his 13 year old daughter is being corrupted by what his wife is telling her.   He is being made out to be the bad guy.  Jake shares all this and then asks me, “What should I do?”

“Would you like a silver bullet solution to the problems?”  I ask.

“Yes,” he says with hope.

We hope for such an answer.  As we hope, we focus all our attention on that fantasy of how life could be different if only…. (fill in the blank… with some bit about how we or someone else should be different than they are).

I tell Jake, “You have a Tree Problem.”

“What?”  he says with a sense of confusion.

“You have a Tree Problem,” I say again as if that explains everything.

“I don’t understand,” Jake replies. “What do you mean I have a Tree Problem.”

My little diversion trick is working.  His focus has shifted a tiny bit to my comment and with it his emotions have changed. His attention is no longer fixated completely fixed on his problem.   He’s off balance with my little Judo response and that makes it easier to move him a bit further.  Curiosity and confusion is a big step away from sadness and hopelessness.  It’s also a better state to make changes and work on things from.  He’s already taken two steps out of feeling trapped and hopeless and he hasn’t realized it yet.

I begin to explain the “Tree Problem”.

If you have a big tree in your backyard and you want to get rid of it, can you go over to it and push it out?  No.  You will push and push, make your self tired and after a while you will feel defeated.  You will conclude that you are not strong enough, a failure, feel overwhelmed, and that it is hopeless.  That tree is too big with all it’s branches, not to mention it is also rooted to the ground.  But what if you get an ax?  Maybe it is a dull ax.  You hack away at the trunk and spend all day and make it half way through.  You might look at that tree and conclude that you haven’t accomplished a thing because the tree is still there.  It’s a poor assessment of progress but it is the a common misinterpretation we make when working on our own issues.

What if you got a file for your ax?   Your ax would be sharper and you might have gotten it down in the first day.  You wouldn’t have gotten it down in the first swing, but maybe in the first day.  For a really big tree, maybe it would take a couple days.  Of course a chain saw would be faster.  Perhaps it comes down in a few minutes.  But with a chain saw you need other items as well.  You need a sharp chain and that requires a different kind of file.  You’ll need oil to lubricate the chain and gasoline to run the chain saw. It might take a bit more work to get the tools and equipment, but you could take the tree down faster.  Of course there is fear in making such changes.  What if in making all these changes the tree falls on our house.  There’s fear in solving a tree problem because there’s going to be consequences in other areas of our life.

Now even if you get that chain saw and fell that big tree in your backyard the job isn’t done.  It’s laying on the ground and it’s too big to move.  So you take your saw or your ax and you start cutting off the limbs.  You cut the trunk into short lengths.  Then you take your ax and split the large trunk logs into pieces small enough to move.  Once each is piece small enough you can pick it up and move it out of your back yard.  That’s how you solve a tree problem.  You break it down into a bunch of manageable size pieces that you can handle.

If we look at a situation like Jake’s and try to solve it with one stroke or in one day we will feel overwhelmed and helpless.  It can’t be done. We can’t see an solution much less a way to get there.   Often when we face such issues like divorce we are dealing with circumstances and problems we have never faced before.  We do not have the tools or the training to deal with splitting out the finances, addressing the challenges our children, will go through, the emotions we will go through, or the prospect of starting a new life.  We might be educated, successful, professional adults, but we find our self in a situation we have no tools, training, or experience in handling.  We are facing a tree that doesn’t want to move and we can’t come up with any silver bullet solutions like we are used applying in other areas of our life.  Our silver bullet answers seem to revolve around someone else changing and they don’t seem to want to.

Why is Jake is looking for a bullet to address his Tree Problem.  Somewhere in his belief system he assumes there is one.  You can tell because he is looking and asking for one.  It keeps him running in circles chasing a hope filled dream instead of focusing on tools and actions that will work.

That tree isn’t going to be removed by a bullet and the sooner he realizes that the sooner he will stop wasting time looking for one.  It’s an uncomfortable truth to accept, but the pain is very short lived compared to living in never ending hope and frustration that happens when we chase an illusion based answer.

If it was a gopher in his yard maybe it could be solved with one well placed bullet.  But Jake clearly has a Tree Problem.  There are many different branches.  Coming to terms with the end of his marriage, overcoming his jealousy issues, dividing up the finances, becoming comfortable in his new life, and communicating all these changes to his 13 year old daughter are all branches of the same tree.  It’s going to take more than a week to deal with each branch.

So how do you solve a Tree Problem?

Like hiking to the top of a mountain, one step at a time .  There will be times on the trail you are going up, and times you are going downhill losing elevation.  But even when you seem to be losing elevation you will be moving forward on your path.   Most of the time you won’t be able to see the top where you hope to end up.  You have to have some faith that it will be okay when you get there.  You also can’t imagine what it will look like from up there because you have never been there before.  What you can do is keep taking care of the step in front of you.  Putting one foot in front of the other is how you make a long journey.   One step at a time on your Pathway To Happiness, that’s how you get there.   There are some possibilities for short cuts at times, but you have to be walking on the path to find them.  You’ll often find clues to those short cuts from people who are familiar with the pathway.

So I leave you with a couple clarifying and hopefully practical questions to ask about the challenges and changes you are faced with?

Do you have a gopher problem or do you have a Tree Problem?

And do the type of solutions you are looking for fit the type of problem you have?   If not, are you trapped in a cycle of hope for a quick fix solution and frustration that you can’t find one?  If you realize you are in such a trap then you’ve taken another step on your Pathway To Happiness.

More practical steps are available in the Self Mastery Course, The Relationship Course, and The Self Mastery Advanced Series.

How does our conditioning affect our perception.  Watch this video and you will see how you HEAR sounds that are not there.  Our visual cue is that we should hear a certain sound, and so we hear it.  Even if they have switched the audio and aren’t playing it anymore.  

We make assumptions that what we perceive is actually the way it is. However, we might be more truthfully served if we are aware that what we perceive, is only what we believe we perceive.

Watch and listen.  To double check that these guys aren’t fooling us with the video, close your eyes at different parts and just listen.

Carolyn shares her experience on the 7 day Spiritual Intensive she took with me to Teotihuacan Mexico.   She discovers what it is like to shed fear based self judgments from her childhood and embrace the experience of unconditional love.  It’s no longer an intellectual idea that she reads about in books. It is a tangible way of living life that is now a very real possibility for her life.

pod35-Spiritual Journey Interview (29 min)

She discovered that the journey wasn’t about the place, the mythology, or the history.  The important focus of the journey was her and the process for transforming the emotional quality of her life.

You can find out more about these spiritual  journeys and retreats on my events page.

Dear Gary I have a question,

I understand that an agreement can be changed regarding an emotional reaction.  But, people do move to California for better weather, or move away from Los Angeles to get away from traffic, or in your case, you said that there are people you just don’t want to have lunch with anymore.  To me, these are preferences.  I’m not sure how you would distinguish a preference from an emotional reaction.  It’s the emotional reaction that causes the preference?

Thank you JJS

Hi, JJS,

Yes circumstances and our preferences for certain circumstances make a difference but there is another factor that we have to consider.  That there are beliefs in our mind that are playing a part as well and that is something we can change.

At the other extreme we can take Nelson Mandela who was unjustly imprisoned for 27 years.  He walks out with no bitterness and no sense of victimization or hate.  He forgives his captors as if he never judged them to begin with.  His emotional state contradicts his circumstances.   So what is really causing his emotional state to be in such a way?  It is not his circumstances.  So what is it?  I propose that it is the interpretations in our mind that we believe in,, or don’t believe in.   If we can find these beliefs in our mind, and change them, then we can change our emotional state without having to change other people, or even our self.

So I have avoided the question.  Where and when are our emotions caused by our beliefs and where and when are they being determined by our circumstances.   The only way to find out is to honestly and ruthlessly challenge the beliefs and see where  our emotions shift.  When they do not, then perhaps we are dealing with a circumstance issue.  But we can not be sure that is the case until we have removed any possible beliefs that are interfering.   In summary, what I am saying is that I can not answer the question for you.  You have to discover it for your self.

Happy Hunting,

Gary

In response to one of the free exercises in the Self Mastery course.

The Inception of an Idea.  The idea that ideas are alive has been around a long time.  Careful observation reveals that  ideas, thoughts, and beliefs behave as if they are alive in the mind.  When ideas grow and link together with other ideas they become big stories and can have multiple points of view and tangents.  Large story ideas intertwined with emotion act more like dreams.  There are daydreams when we are awake, and dreams in our mind when we are asleep.  The key to changing these ideas, stories, dreams, and the emotions they carry is for the dreamer to wake up.

Life of an Idea from Inception. mp3  34 min

Richard Dawkins term for ideas that live like parasites in the mind and have a life of their own is meme.   I suggest watching this video first.

This video from Dan Dennett on Memes and dangerous ideas that direct their host to kill the hosts of other meme’s is worth watching.

Scientist and author Richard Dawkins published “The Selfish Gene” in 1976.    Some background is provided here on this Wikipedia page.

Topics covered in this podcast include, ideas the the mind, how they act as parasites, references to the movie Inception, how ideas spread, have a life of their own, go viral, how our ideas control what we do.  Our mind is a host of ideas.

Daniel Kahneman complicates and clarifies happiness.

One of Daniels positions is that much of our happiness about an experience is from our memory of that experience.  Daniel address that this memory is subjective as it is determined by our story of our experiences.  What he doesn’t point out, and what I think is worth exploring,  is that our stories are changeable.   If our stories are our version of memories, and our memories have emotional happiness related to them, then we can consciously change our story of our past experiences and thereby change how we feel.  We don’t even have to change the facts of our story, but only the interpretation of the experience so that we emphasize different points and have different conclusions.   We can’t change the facts of our experiences but we can change interpretations and stories and in that way we can change how happy we are.