As you learn to live a happier life one of the things that will change is the quality of communication.  Probably one of the most fearfully corrupt areas of communication is sales and marketing.  I know this because I used to work in sales.  Once you learn to overcome this fear filled area of dealing with sales people you will be much wiser about making decisions with your money.

Sales and marketing is typically use fear and emotional abuse.  Often it is so subtle we don’t notice the specifics of it.  Because we are not aware of the specifics of it, we can be taken advantage of.  We may not know the details of how we are being maneuvered, but we know we don’t like it when it is happening.

Marketers and sales people are not really motivated to change their end of the communication.  The way they manipulate and maneuver people’s emotions puts food on their table. That means that changing the quality of communication is our responsibility.  And this we can do by being aware of the subtle ways that sales people operate and how we react to them.  As we become wise to their emotional hooks, dealing with sales people can be fun, and even entertaining.  We’ll also have to let go of our judgments of what they are doing, but that just benefits us.  But maybe what you will notice as the greatest practical importance is that you will be able to keep a lot more of your own money.

Fear of Losing Money

Spending money is a behavior, and most behaviors are emotionally driven.  Then it comes as no surprise that sales people use emotions to get you to spend money. Specifically, they use your emotional reactions to sell you their products and services.  If you become more aware of your emotions, and the beliefs that trigger your emotional reactions then you will make better decisions with your money.

There are two principle mechanisms that sales people use to transfer your money into their pocket.  They are the emotions of fear and excitement or hope.

The most common hook used by sales people is fear.  It’s most often used because it is most effective.  An obvious example is for home alarm security systems with slogans, “Don’t let this happen to you.”  Which,,, when you consider the question, causes your mind to imagine it happening to you and experience fear in the process.  It’s then followed up by a mention of their product as a means of safety from the fear that they have just proposed to you.

The planting and activation of seeds of fear in your mind get much more subtle than that.  Another common phrase,,, “Don’t miss out.”  This of course plays on our fear of missing out, and at a more subtle level, the fear of being left out.  In these scenarios it is our imagination doing the work by creating the scenario and having an emotional reaction to the scenario we imagine.

Our imagination can be an extraordinary amplifier.  It takes only a few words of suggestion and our imagination can build a scenario that is a whole virtual reality of the experience.  It comes complete with images of people, animated stories, dialog, back story, and within seconds can rapidly project months into the future.  We then perceive the scenario our mind imagines and have an emotional reaction to the virtual reality that we just experienced.  And all of this can happen with just a few words of suggestion as a trigger.

What is important to note that sometimes those trigger words for that fear based virtual reality scenario don’t come from anybody else.  Sometimes those trigger words are from our own thoughts.

One of the words that I use to describe the scenario of our imagination is “dream.”  I often use the word dream to describe what goes on in our imagination because it includes emotion as well as the other elements of audio, visual, and tactile experiences that our imagination can create.

Today’s Current Example:  Being Sold On Health Care Fears

A current day practical example of a fearful sales pitch is going on in the health care debate.  One phrase being used is “Don’t let government come between you and your doctor.”  The implied message there is that change is bad.  Also implied in the message is that government is bad and can’t be trusted.  What it fails to mention is that a large profit driven corporation, (ie. an insurance company) is already in between you and your doctor.  Personally I find it a conflict of my health interest when their profits increase as they restrict, or deny me health care.   But I digress.

The point is that when we hear that phrase about “government coming between you and your doctor”,  our mind is tempted to run with the scenario.  However, the more awareness we have, the more scrutiny and skepticism we apply, and the more points of view we consider, the less likely we are to fall into that dream of fear.

Sales Pitch of Fear

We could cover all the hidden messages of fear for a while, but that would get boring. It’s more important for you to become aware of the way your mind generates scenarios and creates unpleasant emotions when trigger phrases are used.  More importantly, what does your mind do once it starts to create fear?

Once you begin to generate unpleasant emotions, your mind then reacts a second time to try to make you feel better.  This is a natural emotional and mental instinct to be happy, but the way we have been conditioned is to comfort our selves with a “feel better” behavior.  When we were little the “better behavior” was usually being suggested by our parents.  Later it was suggested by people pushing our buttons.  People have an emotional reaction of anger to us, and then tell us what we should do so they can stop blaming us.  As we became consumers it became a “feel better” product offered by marketers as a solution to the fearful seeds they planted.

In all these patterned behaviors we learn the habit of doing what other people want in order to make our selves feel better.  After years of this of looking for other people to tell us what we should do, we hardly ask the question anymore, “What do I want?”

The point is that these emotionally comforting behaviors and products that others suggest haven’t solved the problem of feeling uncomfortable.  They’ve only shifted our attention briefly from the proposed fear we imagined.  Our fears remain because the beliefs that created our fears go unaddressed.  Our imagination still operates in essentially the same way of producing fearful dreams and scenarios that we believe.  They get triggered again when we hear or think similar thoughts.  This leads to more of the same emotions and behavior patterns in the future.

The problem isn’t just with what others say.  That’s only half.  The other half of the problem with fear is the way that our mind dreams.  Changing the way other people communicate with you is not going to be very effective.  You’ll have much better success making changes in your own mind than you will have in their behavior.

Changing the Fearful Pattern of Being Sold

The important point is that you learn to be aware of the subtle changes in your emotions.  With that awareness of your emotions you can begin to dismantle the beliefs that cause you to react.  In this way you detach your self from the power sales people or others appear to have over you.

I say “appear” because the power of control is really yours.  The real power is behind your own emotional beliefs.  The trigger phrases of sales people and your own thoughts are just that, triggers.  It’s only when we have these fear based beliefs that we have triggers available that others can push.

When you no longer respond in a fearful way to the seeds of marketers and sales people, then they will have to change the way they communicate with you.

If we change the way we listen and interpret, and therefore how we feel about what people say, then other people will change the way they communicate with us. Yes it’s kind of backwards, but the truth is like that sometimes.

There are practical exercises in for dismantling the fear based beliefs in your mind available in the Self Mastery Audio Program. The first few sessions are free.

I will do goal setting with my clients, but not usually for the first 6-12 months.  There is value in having a direction and working towards something.  Maybe it’s how much money you want to make, the perfect relationship partner you want to have, where you want to live, or how many pounds you want to lose.  Without a direction like a goal we will likely founder and not only do less, but enjoy less.   However the Near Enemy of goal setting can sink you emotionally.  It’s interesting how the mind can use such a positive tool to sabotage the very happiness we are intending to create.

Here’s how the sabotage happens

There are many parts of the mind.  When we set goals, they aren’t the only thing that is active.   We also have the parts of the mind that I call the Judge, and the Victim.   While the hopeful side of our personality and belief system is trying to make our self better and happier through our goals, the judge and the victim sabotage our happiness and self worth with the same tool.  If we are aware, and pay attention, we can avoid this emotional trap.

When we set a goal our imagination creates a criteria of what we “should be” or what we “should” achieve.  It is a mental image of our self different and better than we currently are.  I call this an Image of Perfection.

One of the activities of the Judge in our mind is to compare everything.  The Judge in our mind often compares our self to other people.  But the judgmental voice in our head also compares us against our mental Image of Perfection.  It holds the assumption, “I should be that way.”  It compares us to this imagined Image of our goals and concludes that we are not what we “should” be.

Compared to our goal are a failure that is not good enough, smart enough, beautiful enough, successful enough. Etc.  We accept the thoughts of the judge as true and invest our faith.  It easily appears true because we already have the belief that we should meet the criteria of our goals.  Often the judge ignores the time needed for completion and assumes we should have been there yesterday.  With our faith invested in these beliefs we create the emotions of unworthiness, self rejection, sadness, fear, and shame.

We create the emotions of unworthiness that we feel.  These emotions are congruent with our beliefs because that is where they came from.  But our feelings are self fulfilling results.  Our emotions are the result of our beliefs in an Image of Perfection and the subsequent judgment that happens in our imagination.   Instead, people will often make the mistake that their feelings are evidence that their belief are true.  They think that because they feel unworthy and not good enough that that their beliefs about themselves are true.  They don’t know that they fabricated their emotions from a belief that is false.  All based on an Image of Perfection that is not even real.

We’ve been told to trust our gut, go with our emotions etc.  But the problem with this approach is that our emotions are often created by beliefs that are false.

That Image of Perfection started with goals.

If we use the tool of goals from the point of view of our integrity we can create incredible change and results in our life.   However, if we let the Inner Judge use those same goals, we create unhappiness, unworthiness, and emotional suffering.  The problem is not with having goals and going for them.  The problem is really when the different parts of our mind and imagination turn goals into self judgments.

As a guide towards happiness I use goals.  But I don’t start with defining what it is you want to be or accomplish.   For the untrained mind that is a set up for the Judge and Victim to create self rejection and unhappiness.

For real emotional change the more important goal to start with is to dismantle the self judgments that create so much unhappiness.  When you dismantle your self judgments the natural result is Self Acceptance.

Self Acceptance

When you accept your self just they way you are, then you don’t believe the negative self talk in your head. Nor do you believe any negative opinions from other people.  You no longer feel the emotions of unworthiness that come from false beliefs, a false Image of Perfection and self judgment.  For me, the most important goal to start with is Self Acceptance.

When you develop self acceptance then the goals you create are activities and accomplishments that inspire you.  You can have fun working towards them instead of feeling inadequate or not good enough every time you think about them.  This is the difference between going to the gym because you are excited about the health and exercise of your body, or going because you dread the judgmental thoughts about how your body looks.

When you use goals from the point of view of your integrity, you don’t feel bad about your self even if you don’t achieve them.  Your self worth and happiness is not dependent on these external factors of achievement, that you often can’t control anyways.

Self Acceptance is needed for success

If you are going to be a success, then you will need goals.  To FEEL like a success you will need to have love and acceptance of your self the way you are.  You will have to learn to treat your self as a success.  This means not rejecting your self.   This means that to be a real success, and FEEL like a success, that you will have to get rid of any self judgments.

There are many people that accomplish great things, but they still don’t feel good about themselves.  If you have not dismantled the Image of Perfection and the Inner Judge in your mind you won’t feel like a success no matter how much you achieve.  To really feel like a success, and good about your self, you will have to create an attitude of complete self acceptance.  Only then will you really feel the worthiness of your accomplishments.

This is why Self Acceptance is more important for your happiness than any accomplishment or achievement in your life.  And yet Self Acceptance is not really a big thing.  We can often have moments of it and we discover that it is not really an effort.  It is our natural way of being. It was our normal way of treating our self before we learned to set up an Image of Perfection in our mind that the Judge uses for comparison.

However, complete self acceptance is a challenge because it means dismantling of our self judgments.  Self Judgment is the obstacle that is in the way of Self Acceptance.  Once you dismantle Self Judgments, then Self Acceptance becomes effortless.  Self Acceptance is our natural way of being, it is not a big effort at all to accept our self.  What is an effort is removing the Images of Perfection and self judgments that we have acquired.

Let Self Acceptance be your Intent.  Intent is the direction and quality of your expression.

Say aloud, with Intent and calm resolve:  I will accept and love my self no matter what.

Intent vs. Goals

I like to make a distinction between a person’s goals, and Intent.  Intent is the direction of what you pursue, and you can do so with a passion.  It has to do with the direction of your focus and the actions you take towards your goals.  Your goals are where your intent will take you.  You can be completely focused and committed to your intent, and detached from the outcome of your goals.  Your intent has to do with everything you are doing and thinking right now to achieve your goals later.

We can use the metaphor of walking to a friends house.  Your friends house is the goal destination.  Your intent is everything you do to get dressed, put on your shoes, and the energy and intent of every step on that walk.  It is actions of your intent that will carry you to your goals.  And as long as you are focused on the action, and enjoying the action, you will not whining because you are not there yet, or thinking, “I should be there by now.”

Being aware of this distinction between Intent and Goals can help you avoid falling to the Near Enemy of goal setting.

Reasoning your way out of Fear  (mp3 40 min)

This podcast is from the site Pathway To Happiness

Focused on developing Self Awareness, Changing Core Beliefs, and Creating Happiness in your Relationships

I have just completed the first Self Mastery course but am troubled by something.  I agree with all you say and can see the validity of implementing each of your suggestions.  However, a couple of sessions led me to conclude that conversations with people are a waste of time as so much what is said is not true.  The ‘finding neutral’ session troubles me nearly as much as it helps me.  It seems I am supposed to basically brush off everyone’s opinions as their view only and not necessarily the truth.

Then the webpage titled, ‘understanding relationships and the source of emotional drama’ suggests that even our view of ourselves and others and other people’s view of us and themselves may also be false.  So if people are telling me stuff about themself or me I’m supposed to tune out to it as there may be no truth to it.  But that leaves me feeling disconnected.  How can I connect with people if I assume that what they have to say should be disregarded?  Part of the joy of life is discovering that you have something in common with someone.  But if that common element is an illusion they have about themself then it is a waste of time engaging in conversation with them in the first place.

The session on forgiveness was particularly challenging for me.  Again I see the validity in the mantra of forgiving myself and the other person for all our errors in thinking but I’m left wondering that if I’m not supposed to expect the person to be a certain type of person for me then I leave myself open to expecting the worst of them and either running in fear or being hurt by them over and over again because I never learn.  If I cannot expect Joe to behave in a decent manner towards me I am rubber stamping his bad behavior.  I am saying, in effect, “Joe, do your worst to me because I no longer expect people to be the type of person I’d like them to be.”  And if I don’t react in that way then I’d probably avoid Joe because I know he’s going to hurt me.

Both these issues lead me to think the only way to cope with life is to withdraw entirely from all contact with people.  I’m sure that is not what you are advocating but I’m not sure where my thinking went wrong.

Sincerely,,, Disconnected

Dear Disconnected,,,

You ask good questions. Good insights but as you figured,,, needing some clarifications as some misinterpretations have snuck in.

The old way of connecting with people is through believing the same opinions, or believing that if you have a similar history, background, experience, language etc, then you are alike, and therefore connected.  In this way you end up distancing or feeling disconnected whenever you perceive differences between you and another person.  So your solution path to connection can just as well send you into the direction of feeling disconnected.   Having different beliefs means that you will feel disconnected from someone even though you are still both human beings standing next to each other in the same part of the universe at the same point in time.

Isn’t being a human being enough to have in common with people to begin creating a connection?  And if it is, then don’t we open the door to feeling connected to everyone instead of just some people that have similar opinions and beliefs?  This approach is a much greater opportunity for connection.

Then how do we connect if it is not by similar stories or opinions….?   Love.   What is love?   It’s an emotion,,, a feeling.  What is the state of “connection” is a feeling as well.  What we are essentially seeking in our search for connection is a feeling.  And there is no more enjoyable way to connect than through love.  You can connect with someone physically by making love, or you can connect with someone in that feeling of presence with them.  You can say all the words you want, and have all kinds of common history, but that isn’t as enjoyable as the feeling.  Besides, the common history and beliefs is just a way to feel trust, respect, acceptance, appreciated, and loved.

I direct you towards the exercises in the Advanced Series about developing emotions of love and expressing them towards the people around us.  What ends up connecting us is the feeling.   So why not create the feeling directly, instead of through an indirect means of common history, and opinion.

This new way is more challenging,  and will take some practice, but the result is that you will be able to create the feeling of connection at will instead of trying to find a person with a story that fits your story.

And about the article on Understanding Emotional Drama in Relationships.

That article is about the source structure of how we create emotional drama and essentially “disconnection” in relationship.  At the end, I point out that this type of relationship isn’t genuine or authentic.  I also point out that it isn’t the only possibility for relationships.  It’s really one to avoid.

About the Forgiveness Issue:

Forgiveness is very much about detaching from what we believe other people should have been, including our self.  However it doesn’t have to mean changing our expectations about what people will be in the future.  We can still expect the best.  It’s just when that doesn’t happen, we can detach right away.

And I don’t think that I associate forgiving someone with continuing to let them abuse  or disrespect us.  We have very right to place a boundary and avoid interaction with those that would mistreat us.   I like the idea of turning the other cheek.  But I don’t think we should let it continue to hang out there.   I think we should turn not only our cheek, but our whole body far enough out of their way so that we don’t allow our self to be hurt anymore.

Although if we don’t expect the best of people for the future, we drop that also, it doesn’t mean that we have to expect the worst either.   It is interesting that this is the only alternative that you propose. It is also one that appears based in  fear and a victim point of view that is afraid of being hurt.    I suggest taking an inventory of what your mind is projecting as the alternative here and noticing what kinds of emotions it creates.  It might be an interesting point of discovery.

I think that your conclusion to “withdraw entirely from all contact with people”  stems from this fear of getting hurt victim (to the impending doom of the assumed future) point of view.

Really good questions.  I know you are not the only one to come up with these conclusions.    That’s because,,, yes,,, the world is full of liars,,, and people with lots of useless opinions.  But that’s no reason not to love them and enjoy your life doing so.   And this is far more enjoyable than believing that what they say is the truth and having emotional reactions and disappointments when you find out it is not.

Hope that helps.  And if you find that some of my material doesn’t, then put it aside.  Just use what works and helps you and keep seeking clarifications on the rest.

God Speed,

Gary

Overcoming Fear of What Others Think of You (podcast #27 41 minutes)

This podcast probably won’t do every thing you need to strip away your fears, but will help you strip off one of the layers of resistance.

This podcast is part of my series on overcoming fears.  When overcoming fears it is not just a matter of letting go of fear.  You also have to work through the resistance to letting go of fear.   One level of this resistance is the illusion that our fears help us to be safe.   The claim I often hear people make is that their fears help them avoid dangers of getting hurt.   This appears true, but isn’t.  It isn’t the fear that helps us to be safe, but rather the heightened level of awareness that our fear raises that helps us to avoid painful outcomes.

Without awareness, fear could just as well be blinding us from something helpful.   When we are in a panic attack our fear doesn’t seem to help us at all.  We are so full of fear that we have difficulty seeing our way out.

So it is not the fear that helps us, but the heightened awareness that brings our attention to the situation that is the real help.   If you find your self defending fear, then it is likely that you are misunderstanding it’s merits.

You will find practical exercises and steps to overcoming the false beliefs that generate your fears in the Self Mastery audio program.

Why we criticize our husband or wife and what we can do about it?

Because we become so comfortable with that person that we don’t edit what goes through our mind.   We let the internal voice of the judge come out and speak to our partner the same way we let it speak to our self. When we are not aware we fall into believing what the critical voice in our head says about our partner in the same way we believe what it says about us.

With strangers, acquaintances, or friends, we put on a mask.  We are concerned about what they think of us.  We might even be afraid of what they think of us.  In any case we are guarded enough in what we say so that we don’t let the judgmental voice speak out in too critical a way.  In essence,,, we edit out of fear.  We hide our comments and put forth an image that is polite.  We don’t say what the inner judge thinks in our mind out of fear of their reaction.  This mask is more polite, but is a pretense motivated out of fear.

However, when we are with someone that is committed to us perhaps through marriage, we can let our guard down.    If they are accepting of us, and kind to us we are not afraid of being rejected by them.  We are not afraid of them leaving us.  The result is that we take our mask off and let the critical voice of the judge go unedited and verbally abuse and criticize our partner.  Because we don’t have the awareness that the inner judge is speaking to them the same critical comments it expresses about our self, we let it damage the relationship with the person we love.

When we have awareness we can develop a gap and observe the thoughts of the judge in our head.  In that gap we have the opportunity to refrain from speaking those critical words out loud.  We can even refrain from believing what the voice of the inner judge says.  When you develop enough awareness the critical voice of the inner judge will begin to seem so ridiculous to you that you will find it funny and laugh.

To develop awareness and dismantle the critical voice of the inner judge, listen to and practice the exercises in the Self Mastery audio program.

The first four session are free.  You have nothing to lose, but that critical voice in your head.

Overcoming Jealousy, Anger, and Controlling Behavior  mp3 (42min)

Becoming aware that we have a controlling side of our personality can be painful, but only if we judge our self.  However, not making changes in our controlling behavior is even more painful when we realize what it does to the people we love, and the people that love us.  Great relationships are based in respect.   You can’t be respectful, and believe you know better than someone else at the same time.

The first step in overcoming controlling behaviors of jealousy and anger is to change our perspective.   We have to start looking at things differently and see different choices before we can make those choices.

You can listen to the 7 1/2 minute short audio David mentions. It is on the page about Overcoming Jealousy.

You can access the Self Mastery course that David has found as a means for so much personal change by signing up for free.

Bob decides to adopt some self help strategies in order to be happier in his life and relationships.  In order to improve himself and his life, Bob decides to think more positively about things.  Part of that intention includes stopping his negative thinking.   He might even throw in some positive affirmations as a means for improvement.  It’s all done with high hopes and good intentions. And so the adventure into self help begins with Bob paying closer attention to his thoughts.

There is a problem though, Bob doesn’t yet have any better control over his mind.  His mind wanders with positive and negative thoughts like it always has.  The difference is that he is now more aware of his thoughts.  When his mind wanders off into negative thoughts, Bob catches himself.  Reactively, he criticizes himself for those negative thoughts.  Those criticisms about his negative thoughts add to his negative thoughts.  He’s aware enough to realize that self judgments are also negative thoughts.  So Bob’s inner judge judges himself,,, for criticizing himself,,, for having those negative thoughts.  The result is more negative thoughts than he started with and a lot more than he was ever aware of before.

To Bob it looks like he is going backwards.  He is failing miserably at this Self Help thing.  Emotionally he feels like a failure.  But intending to do his best, and building on “success” principles he’s read about, he decides to be persistent, and commit even harder to this process that is making him feel worse.

Bob pushes out more positive affirmations amidst his self judgments of failing at his attempts.  This piles on top of his original program of negative thoughts he started with.  Of course, not having done anything to eliminate the source of negative thoughts,,, they continue to arise.  Thinking he should be able to just “will” or “wish” his negative thoughts away with positive affirmations, Bob maintains high expectations.  The result is more negative thoughts and self judgments than he was ever aware of, and he feels worse than when he started.

Bob’s not aware of what his mind is doing with his “good self help intentions.”

What Bob isn’t aware of is that the inner judge in his mind uses those high expectations as a standard he should meet.  His goal has become a measurement stick for his judge to conclude he has failed.  The result of the self judgment for not meeting his high expectations is a negative thought.  Bob again feels like a failure.  If Bob has some awareness that he is engaged in this negative self judgment, his inner judge might use that to tell him that he shouldn’t be judging himself.  What Bob’s mind does with the goals and intentions of his positive thinking program is to spiral him downward.

This is Bob’s experience with Self Help.  Bob’s failing because he isn’t aware of what is driving the negative thoughts in his mind, or even the judgmental ones.  Since he is not aware of this underlying program,,, he has very little chance of changing it.

Your mind has a program of its own

Imagine that you are the pilot of an airplane.  You want to fly from Los Angeles to Hawaii.  You take off, and set the autopilot to fly the plane west.  You scan your instruments, check your charts, sip your coffee, and make a few radio calls. When you check your compass 60 seconds later you discover that the autopilot is now flying the airplane south towards Mexico.

You take hold of the yoke, turn right, and correct your course west.  You reset the autopilot to fly west.  After checking the fuel levels, fuel flow, altitude, and weather radar, you notice the autopilot has turned the airplane south, again. The problem with the autopilot continues each time your attention wanders from the compass for more than a few seconds. Half the time you check your heading you discover the autopilot is taking the airplane in the wrong direction.  You continually take positive action to correct your course towards Hawaii.  However in the process you are flying a zigzag course, burning a lot more fuel than you planned, and taking longer than you should.

We’ll this kind continual course correction approach is what people are doing when they try typical self help methods like “think more positively”.

That autopilot in the airplane is Bob’s subconscious mind filled with a program of beliefs.  It does its own automatic thinking and produces a direction of negative thoughts.  Those beliefs continually generate and project stories, images, and thoughts into Bob’s conscious mind.  Bob’s belief system is like that auto pilot program.  The result of a faulty autopilot program is that it produces negative thoughts, images, and stories. Like the compass heading, we can see the negative thoughts.   But the negative thoughts are just a symptom of a faulty program that generates them.

You don’t see the faulty program in the autopilot that’s taking you off course.  You just see the results and consequences on your compass heading.  In the same way you don’t see the beliefs in the programming of your mind at first glance either.  You can observe the negative thoughts and the judgments of the inner judge as well, but the problem isn’t the negative thoughts.  Negative thoughts are just a symptom of a programmed belief system.

Do you think you can just think or will, your way towards positive thoughts?  Try it.  Sit for 10 or 20 minutes and quiet your mind.  See how long it lasts.  If you practice meditation, you learn to observe your thoughts.  With some practice you will notice that your thoughts arise in your mind all by them selves.  You can literally observe this happening if you gain control over your attention.

Changing Negative Thinking Requires Changing Beliefs.

If you want to change the negative thinking in your mind, there is no need to get caught up in trying to change your negative thoughts.  These are just a symptom of what is going on in your belief system.  It also doesn’t make much sense to continually put out positive thoughts and affirmations in an attempt to replace negative ones.

If you had a problem with the autopilot on your airplane, would you be happy to just manually course correct every time you found your autopilot going in the wrong direction?  Probably not.  You would probably want to fix the autopilot.  When you try to replace negative thoughts with positive ones, you haven’t done anything to change what created the negative thought.

Negative thoughts keep arising from the same negative false beliefs and inner judge that haven’t been re-programmed.  You can steer your mind in a positive direction when you are aware of it, but most of the day your mind is on automatic pilot?  It’s operating by the same set of core beliefs that were there from years before.

It would be nice to think that we could just plant a positive thought in our mind and it would blossom.  However this is naïve.  It doesn’t take into account all the programmed beliefs that are already there.  It would also be nice to think that we could focus our attention on positive thoughts throughout the day.  This is also naïve.  It isn’t that easy to consciously focus your attention for hours in this way.  Also, we are so busy with our usual habits, that our mind goes into autopilot and we kind of fall asleep at the wheel.  Gaining control over your ability to focus your attention through out the day is completely possible, but it takes some time and practice.  More time than your inner judge has probably built into its expectations.

I say this not because it is difficult and you should be afraid of the task.  But because failure to have an honest understanding of what it takes to change negative thinking sets you up for unrealistic expectations.  Unrealistic expectations are a set up for failure.  Failure from unrealistic expectations is fertile ground for more negative thoughts from self judgment.

Self Help Spirals into Failure

When we find ourselves failing, self help approaches try to encourage us.  They sometimes tell us to; Keep trying, Persistence is the key, Don’t give up.  That’s encouraging,,, sort of.  They are telling you to try harder at what isn’t working.  That might be encouragement, but I don’t know if it’s good advice.

It’s like suggesting to keep making course corrections when the autopilot takes you south into negative thinking.  It’s ignoring the real problem and telling you to work hard while you run out of fuel.  If you are new to self help, you may not know about belief systems and what it takes to change their programming.  In that naïve state you assume that the positive affirmation approach should work.  When it doesn’t, your inner judge will tell you that you are a failure for it not working.  It isn’t true.  You were given a technique that was set up for failure because it never addressed the program of your core beliefs.

Wouldn’t be better to fix the autopilot of your mind that keeps generating those negative thoughts?

There are circumstances where each self help approach is valid.  It is going to work in some instances for some people, sometimes.  But, by my experience, many self help techniques have a limited possibility for success.  The suggestions may be well intentioned, but overall, you keep trying to correct symptoms without ever fixing the underlying core belief that is the problem.

Identifying and changing the false beliefs behind negative thoughts and behaviors takes more time to learn than an affirmation, but it can lead to a more permanent solution.   Since this isn’t a “quick fix” it may not be as appealing.  However, the “quick fix” way may not be a viable solution so at a certain point that direction loses its appeal also.

The Self Mastery Audio Program provides a practical set of exercises so you can become an observer of your mind and inventory and change your core beliefs.  The first four sessions are free.

Dan Ariely shares an interesting story of whether you should take the band aid off slow, or fast.   If you do it slow, the pain is less intense, but over a longer period of time.  If you take the band aid off fast it is more intense, but for a shorter period of time.

You might not think this is an unimportant question, but he debated this with the nurses while recovering from burns over 70% of his body.  Each time the nurses took his bandages off it took an hour,,, and they did it fast.  The nurses had their beliefs about why it was better for him.  After he got out, he engaged in careful research and discovered they were wrong.

They were operating from an assumption and false beliefs.  He discovered that it would be even better to start on his face and head where the pain was most intense, and work towards his feet that were less sensitive.  This way the intensity lessened during the process and creating a sense of relief as it was happening.

What is more interesting is that Dan Ariely studied peoples beliefs about cheating and money as it relates to economics.  He has good insights on how people’s belief systems operate in an environment like Enron, and shady stock trading based on his studies.

It turns out that most people’s morality is flexible depending on their social circumstances.  Check it out.

What I found most interesting was his interview with the nurse that cared for him.  One of her contentions was how she felt taking his bandages off.   She remarked that it was painful for her as well.  If you understand that paradigm of beliefs, then you could see how she would be motivated towards a belief that taking the bandages off faster is better for the patient.  Her beliefs about her self were justified on the patients experience, even though it was not true.

It’s about perspective, and being aware that other people’s experience may not match up to your assumptions and beliefs.

Audio from Ted Talks