Mass Density

Gary,

I have just completed the first Self Mastery course but am troubled by something.  I agree with all you say and can see the validity of implementing each of your suggestions.  However, a couple of sessions led me to conclude that conversations with people are a waste of time as so much what is said is not true.  The ‘finding neutral’ session troubles me nearly as much as it helps me.  It seems I am supposed to basically brush off everyone’s opinions as their view only and not necessarily the truth.

Then the webpage titled, ‘understanding relationships and the source of emotional drama’ suggests that even our view of ourselves and others and other people’s view of us and themselves may also be false.  So if people are telling me stuff about themself or me I’m supposed to tune out to it as there may be no truth to it.  But that leaves me feeling disconnected.  How can I connect with people if I assume that what they have to say should be disregarded?  Part of the joy of life is discovering that you have something in common with someone.  But if that common element is an illusion they have about themself then it is a waste of time engaging in conversation with them in the first place.

The session on forgiveness was particularly challenging for me.  Again I see the validity in the mantra of forgiving myself and the other person for all our errors in thinking but I’m left wondering that if I’m not supposed to expect the person to be a certain type of person for me then I leave myself open to expecting the worst of them and either running in fear or being hurt by them over and over again because I never learn.  If I cannot expect Joe to behave in a decent manner towards me I am rubber stamping his bad behavior.  I am saying, in effect, “Joe, do your worst to me because I no longer expect people to be the type of person I’d like them to be.”  And if I don’t react in that way then I’d probably avoid Joe because I know he’s going to hurt me.

Both these issues lead me to think the only way to cope with life is to withdraw entirely from all contact with people.  I’m sure that is not what you are advocating but I’m not sure where my thinking went wrong.

Sincerely,,, Disconnected

Dear Disconnected,,,

You ask good questions. Good insights but as you figured,,, needing some clarifications as some misinterpretations have snuck in.

The old way of connecting with people is through believing the same opinions, or believing that if you have a similar history, background, experience, language etc, then you are alike, and therefore connected.  In this way you end up distancing or feeling disconnected whenever you perceive differences between you and another person.  So your solution path to connection can just as well send you into the direction of feeling disconnected.   Having different beliefs means that you will feel disconnected from someone even though you are still both human beings standing next to each other in the same part of the universe at the same point in time.

Isn’t being a human being enough to have in common with people to begin creating a connection?  And if it is, then don’t we open the door to feeling connected to everyone instead of just some people that have similar opinions and beliefs?  This approach is a much greater opportunity for connection.

Then how do we connect if it is not by similar stories or opinions….?   Love.   What is love?   It’s an emotion,,, a feeling.  What is the state of “connection” is a feeling as well.  What we are essentially seeking in our search for connection is a feeling.  And there is no more enjoyable way to connect than through love.  You can connect with someone physically by making love, or you can connect with someone in that feeling of presence with them.  You can say all the words you want, and have all kinds of common history, but that isn’t as enjoyable as the feeling.  Besides, the common history and beliefs is just a way to feel trust, respect, acceptance, appreciated, and loved.

I direct you towards the exercises in the Advanced Series about developing emotions of love and expressing them towards the people around us.  What ends up connecting us is the feeling.   So why not create the feeling directly, instead of through an indirect means of common history, and opinion.

This new way is more challenging,  and will take some practice, but the result is that you will be able to create the feeling of connection at will instead of trying to find a person with a story that fits your story.

And about the article on Understanding Emotional Drama in Relationships.

That article is about the source structure of how we create emotional drama and essentially “disconnection” in relationship.  At the end, I point out that this type of relationship isn’t genuine or authentic.  I also point out that it isn’t the only possibility for relationships.  It’s really one to avoid.

About the Forgiveness Issue:

Forgiveness is very much about detaching from what we believe other people should have been, including our self.  However it doesn’t have to mean changing our expectations about what people will be in the future.  We can still expect the best.  It’s just when that doesn’t happen, we can detach right away.

And I don’t think that I associate forgiving someone with continuing to let them abuse  or disrespect us.  We have very right to place a boundary and avoid interaction with those that would mistreat us.   I like the idea of turning the other cheek.  But I don’t think we should let it continue to hang out there.   I think we should turn not only our cheek, but our whole body far enough out of their way so that we don’t allow our self to be hurt anymore.

Although if we don’t expect the best of people for the future, we drop that also, it doesn’t mean that we have to expect the worst either.   It is interesting that this is the only alternative that you propose. It is also one that appears based in  fear and a victim point of view that is afraid of being hurt.    I suggest taking an inventory of what your mind is projecting as the alternative here and noticing what kinds of emotions it creates.  It might be an interesting point of discovery.

I think that your conclusion to “withdraw entirely from all contact with people”  stems from this fear of getting hurt victim (to the impending doom of the assumed future) point of view.

Really good questions.  I know you are not the only one to come up with these conclusions.    That’s because,,, yes,,, the world is full of liars,,, and people with lots of useless opinions.  But that’s no reason not to love them and enjoy your life doing so.   And this is far more enjoyable than believing that what they say is the truth and having emotional reactions and disappointments when you find out it is not.

Hope that helps.  And if you find that some of my material doesn’t, then put it aside.  Just use what works and helps you and keep seeking clarifications on the rest.

God Speed,

Gary

There is a structure of beliefs that support the fear of what others think of you. When you dismantle these beliefs, your fear dissipates, as well as the internal dialog that it drives. In this podcast I guide you through some of the resistance you will probably find when you attempt to overcome your fears.

Overcoming Fear of What Others Think of You (podcast #27 41 minutes)

This podcast probably won’t do every thing you need to strip away your fears, but will help you strip off one of the layers of resistance.

This podcast is part of my series on overcoming fears.  When overcoming fears it is not just a matter of letting go of fear.  You also have to work through the resistance to letting go of fear.   One level of this resistance is the illusion that our fears help us to be safe.   The claim I often hear people make is that their fears help them avoid dangers of getting hurt.   This appears true, but isn’t.  It isn’t the fear that helps us to be safe, but rather the heightened level of awareness that our fear raises that helps us to avoid painful outcomes.

Without awareness, fear could just as well be blinding us from something helpful.   When we are in a panic attack our fear doesn’t seem to help us at all.  We are so full of fear that we have difficulty seeing our way out.

So it is not the fear that helps us, but the heightened awareness that brings our attention to the situation that is the real help.   If you find your self defending fear, then it is likely that you are misunderstanding it’s merits.

You will find practical exercises and steps to overcoming the false beliefs that generate your fears in the Self Mastery audio program.

Why do we say judgmental criticizing things to the person we love?

Why we criticize our husband or wife and what we can do about it?

Because we become so comfortable with that person that we don’t edit what goes through our mind.   We let the internal voice of the judge come out and speak to our partner the same way we let it speak to our self. When we are not aware we fall into believing what the critical voice in our head says about our partner in the same way we believe what it says about us.

With strangers, acquaintances, or friends, we put on a mask.  We are concerned about what they think of us.  We might even be afraid of what they think of us.  In any case we are guarded enough in what we say so that we don’t let the judgmental voice speak out in too critical a way.  In essence,,, we edit out of fear.  We hide our comments and put forth an image that is polite.  We don’t say what the inner judge thinks in our mind out of fear of their reaction.  This mask is more polite, but is a pretense motivated out of fear.

However, when we are with someone that is committed to us perhaps through marriage, we can let our guard down.    If they are accepting of us, and kind to us we are not afraid of being rejected by them.  We are not afraid of them leaving us.  The result is that we take our mask off and let the critical voice of the judge go unedited and verbally abuse and criticize our partner.  Because we don’t have the awareness that the inner judge is speaking to them the same critical comments it expresses about our self, we let it damage the relationship with the person we love.

When we have awareness we can develop a gap and observe the thoughts of the judge in our head.  In that gap we have the opportunity to refrain from speaking those critical words out loud.  We can even refrain from believing what the voice of the inner judge says.  When you develop enough awareness the critical voice of the inner judge will begin to seem so ridiculous to you that you will find it funny and laugh.

To develop awareness and dismantle the critical voice of the inner judge, listen to and practice the exercises in the Self Mastery audio program.

The first four session are free.  You have nothing to lose, but that critical voice in your head.

Malcolm Gladwell doesn’t take the commonly accepted beliefs others have.  He looks deeper into understanding the Why’s and How’s of things at a deeper level.  Success isn’t just a matter of hard work, or talent, or both.   There are a lot of assumptions about success, and in his book Outliers, Gladwell works to dispel many of them and see beyond the obvious. It’s a long interview. 1:41.

David started the Self Mastery audio program because he discovered some things about himself that he didn’t like.  It was principally the emotions and behaviors of jealousy, anger, and being controlling in relationships.   He had been doing it for more than 25 years but was not aware of it.  It was difficult to see himself having this problem because David’s belief system masked and justified his behavior as “helping people.”  In his mind he was serving and helping people.   He was so busy playing the role of the hero that he didn’t see himself behind the mask.

Overcoming Jealousy, Anger, and Controlling Behavior  mp3 (42min)

Becoming aware that we have a controlling side of our personality can be painful, but only if we judge our self.  However, not making changes in our controlling behavior is even more painful when we realize what it does to the people we love, and the people that love us.  Great relationships are based in respect.   You can’t be respectful, and believe you know better than someone else at the same time.

The first step in overcoming controlling behaviors of jealousy and anger is to change our perspective.   We have to start looking at things differently and see different choices before we can make those choices.

You can listen to the 7 1/2 minute short audio David mentions. It is on the page about Overcoming Jealousy.

You can access the Self Mastery course that David has found as a means for so much personal change by signing up for free.

A Problem with Self Help

Bob decides to adopt some self help strategies in order to be happier in his life and relationships.  In order to improve himself and his life, Bob decides to think more positively about things.  Part of that intention includes stopping his negative thinking.   He might even throw in some positive affirmations as a means for improvement.  It’s all done with high hopes and good intentions. And so the adventure into self help begins with Bob paying closer attention to his thoughts.

There is a problem though, Bob doesn’t yet have any better control over his mind.  His mind wanders with positive and negative thoughts like it always has.  The difference is that he is now more aware of his thoughts.  When his mind wanders off into negative thoughts, Bob catches himself.  Reactively, he criticizes himself for those negative thoughts.  Those criticisms about his negative thoughts add to his negative thoughts.  He’s aware enough to realize that self judgments are also negative thoughts.  So Bob’s inner judge judges himself,,, for criticizing himself,,, for having those negative thoughts.  The result is more negative thoughts than he started with and a lot more than he was ever aware of before.

To Bob it looks like he is going backwards.  He is failing miserably at this Self Help thing.  Emotionally he feels like a failure.  But intending to do his best, and building on “success” principles he’s read about, he decides to be persistent, and commit even harder to this process that is making him feel worse.

Bob pushes out more positive affirmations amidst his self judgments of failing at his attempts.  This piles on top of his original program of negative thoughts he started with.  Of course, not having done anything to eliminate the source of negative thoughts,,, they continue to arise.  Thinking he should be able to just “will” or “wish” his negative thoughts away with positive affirmations, Bob maintains high expectations.  The result is more negative thoughts and self judgments than he was ever aware of, and he feels worse than when he started.

Bob’s not aware of what his mind is doing with his “good self help intentions.”

What Bob isn’t aware of is that the inner judge in his mind uses those high expectations as a standard he should meet.  His goal has become a measurement stick for his judge to conclude he has failed.  The result of the self judgment for not meeting his high expectations is a negative thought.  Bob again feels like a failure.  If Bob has some awareness that he is engaged in this negative self judgment, his inner judge might use that to tell him that he shouldn’t be judging himself.  What Bob’s mind does with the goals and intentions of his positive thinking program is to spiral him downward.

This is Bob’s experience with Self Help.  Bob’s failing because he isn’t aware of what is driving the negative thoughts in his mind, or even the judgmental ones.  Since he is not aware of this underlying program,,, he has very little chance of changing it.

Your mind has a program of its own

Imagine that you are the pilot of an airplane.  You want to fly from Los Angeles to Hawaii.  You take off, and set the autopilot to fly the plane west.  You scan your instruments, check your charts, sip your coffee, and make a few radio calls. When you check your compass 60 seconds later you discover that the autopilot is now flying the airplane south towards Mexico.

You take hold of the yoke, turn right, and correct your course west.  You reset the autopilot to fly west.  After checking the fuel levels, fuel flow, altitude, and weather radar, you notice the autopilot has turned the airplane south, again. The problem with the autopilot continues each time your attention wanders from the compass for more than a few seconds. Half the time you check your heading you discover the autopilot is taking the airplane in the wrong direction.  You continually take positive action to correct your course towards Hawaii.  However in the process you are flying a zigzag course, burning a lot more fuel than you planned, and taking longer than you should.

We’ll this kind continual course correction approach is what people are doing when they try typical self help methods like “think more positively”.

That autopilot in the airplane is Bob’s subconscious mind filled with a program of beliefs.  It does its own automatic thinking and produces a direction of negative thoughts.  Those beliefs continually generate and project stories, images, and thoughts into Bob’s conscious mind.  Bob’s belief system is like that auto pilot program.  The result of a faulty autopilot program is that it produces negative thoughts, images, and stories. Like the compass heading, we can see the negative thoughts.   But the negative thoughts are just a symptom of a faulty program that generates them.

You don’t see the faulty program in the autopilot that’s taking you off course.  You just see the results and consequences on your compass heading.  In the same way you don’t see the beliefs in the programming of your mind at first glance either.  You can observe the negative thoughts and the judgments of the inner judge as well, but the problem isn’t the negative thoughts.  Negative thoughts are just a symptom of a programmed belief system.

Do you think you can just think or will, your way towards positive thoughts?  Try it.  Sit for 10 or 20 minutes and quiet your mind.  See how long it lasts.  If you practice meditation, you learn to observe your thoughts.  With some practice you will notice that your thoughts arise in your mind all by them selves.  You can literally observe this happening if you gain control over your attention.

Changing Negative Thinking Requires Changing Beliefs.

If you want to change the negative thinking in your mind, there is no need to get caught up in trying to change your negative thoughts.  These are just a symptom of what is going on in your belief system.  It also doesn’t make much sense to continually put out positive thoughts and affirmations in an attempt to replace negative ones.

If you had a problem with the autopilot on your airplane, would you be happy to just manually course correct every time you found your autopilot going in the wrong direction?  Probably not.  You would probably want to fix the autopilot.  When you try to replace negative thoughts with positive ones, you haven’t done anything to change what created the negative thought.

Negative thoughts keep arising from the same negative false beliefs and inner judge that haven’t been re-programmed.  You can steer your mind in a positive direction when you are aware of it, but most of the day your mind is on automatic pilot?  It’s operating by the same set of core beliefs that were there from years before.

It would be nice to think that we could just plant a positive thought in our mind and it would blossom.  However this is naïve.  It doesn’t take into account all the programmed beliefs that are already there.  It would also be nice to think that we could focus our attention on positive thoughts throughout the day.  This is also naïve.  It isn’t that easy to consciously focus your attention for hours in this way.  Also, we are so busy with our usual habits, that our mind goes into autopilot and we kind of fall asleep at the wheel.  Gaining control over your ability to focus your attention through out the day is completely possible, but it takes some time and practice.  More time than your inner judge has probably built into its expectations.

I say this not because it is difficult and you should be afraid of the task.  But because failure to have an honest understanding of what it takes to change negative thinking sets you up for unrealistic expectations.  Unrealistic expectations are a set up for failure.  Failure from unrealistic expectations is fertile ground for more negative thoughts from self judgment.

Self Help Spirals into Failure

When we find ourselves failing, self help approaches try to encourage us.  They sometimes tell us to; Keep trying, Persistence is the key, Don’t give up.  That’s encouraging,,, sort of.  They are telling you to try harder at what isn’t working.  That might be encouragement, but I don’t know if it’s good advice.

It’s like suggesting to keep making course corrections when the autopilot takes you south into negative thinking.  It’s ignoring the real problem and telling you to work hard while you run out of fuel.  If you are new to self help, you may not know about belief systems and what it takes to change their programming.  In that naïve state you assume that the positive affirmation approach should work.  When it doesn’t, your inner judge will tell you that you are a failure for it not working.  It isn’t true.  You were given a technique that was set up for failure because it never addressed the program of your core beliefs.

Wouldn’t be better to fix the autopilot of your mind that keeps generating those negative thoughts?

There are circumstances where each self help approach is valid.  It is going to work in some instances for some people, sometimes.  But, by my experience, many self help techniques have a limited possibility for success.  The suggestions may be well intentioned, but overall, you keep trying to correct symptoms without ever fixing the underlying core belief that is the problem.

Identifying and changing the false beliefs behind negative thoughts and behaviors takes more time to learn than an affirmation, but it can lead to a more permanent solution.   Since this isn’t a “quick fix” it may not be as appealing.  However, the “quick fix” way may not be a viable solution so at a certain point that direction loses its appeal also.

The Self Mastery Audio Program provides a practical set of exercises so you can become an observer of your mind and inventory and change your core beliefs.  The first four sessions are free.

Should you take the band aid off slow or fast?

Dan Ariely shares an interesting story of whether you should take the band aid off slow, or fast.   If you do it slow, the pain is less intense, but over a longer period of time.  If you take the band aid off fast it is more intense, but for a shorter period of time.

You might not think this is an unimportant question, but he debated this with the nurses while recovering from burns over 70% of his body.  Each time the nurses took his bandages off it took an hour,,, and they did it fast.  The nurses had their beliefs about why it was better for him.  After he got out, he engaged in careful research and discovered they were wrong.

They were operating from an assumption and false beliefs.  He discovered that it would be even better to start on his face and head where the pain was most intense, and work towards his feet that were less sensitive.  This way the intensity lessened during the process and creating a sense of relief as it was happening.

What is more interesting is that Dan Ariely studied peoples beliefs about cheating and money as it relates to economics.  He has good insights on how people’s belief systems operate in an environment like Enron, and shady stock trading based on his studies.

It turns out that most people’s morality is flexible depending on their social circumstances.  Check it out.

What I found most interesting was his interview with the nurse that cared for him.  One of her contentions was how she felt taking his bandages off.   She remarked that it was painful for her as well.  If you understand that paradigm of beliefs, then you could see how she would be motivated towards a belief that taking the bandages off faster is better for the patient.  Her beliefs about her self were justified on the patients experience, even though it was not true.

It’s about perspective, and being aware that other people’s experience may not match up to your assumptions and beliefs.

Audio from Ted Talks

Barry Swartz on practical wisdom.   How we lose our ability to think and adapt wisely to new situations as we create more rules.   You can not regulate your self or others into right action and moral behavior with rules.  Rather it is done with instilling an understanding of responsibility, a practice of respect, and character.

Heroes

A few years back I was at my bank withdrawing some money.  My intention was to invest in the market.  I was referred to one of their investment advisers who told me, “That’s dangerous.”   The implied message is not just to be fearful, but that you will get hurt because are ignorant or incapable of making your own financial decisions.   The implied role assigned to me is the victim and to let them play the hero by helping me. It’s interesting how much can be communicated with just two words, “That’s dangerous.”

In one comment, she was offering me a completely packaged story.  It was a role I was conditioned to accept since childhood.  I was the innocent bystander that needed help.  I didn’t know what I was doing and I was in over my head.  It cast the stock market as a dangerous dragon that could hurt me. She assumed the role of helpful adviser recommending I avoid a complicated danger.  She would protect me.  She assigned her self to the role of hero and offered me a feeling of hope and security if I followed her suggestions.  All for a price of course.

I was aware of the fear she was offering me to carry by believing those two words.  I was also aware of the powerlessness and insecurity I would feel if I accepted her assigned victim role.  From that victim point of view, her hero role would look comforting, and therefore tempting.  The problem with this nifty package is that I knew the price.  For the comfort of her being my hero, I first had to accept the fear.

Learning Your Role In Life

In childhood we learn through interactions and stories to adopt roles for our selves and to assign roles to others.  Comic books, movies, and fairy tales of a dashing prince have us imagining the hero (rescuer).   As our imagination is filled with this story figure, we usually assign our self various points of view.  Sometimes we comfort our self importance and imagine being that heroic figure and defeating villains and evil forces.  At other times we put them on a pedestal and enjoy the awe and reverence we bestow on them.  The effect of the latter is that we assume our selves to be less powerful, incapable, and needing help in challenging situations.  We can call this playing a victim role.

One of the consequences of habitually applying these roles to our selves, and others, is that we need some kind of villain in order to keep our hero myths alive.  Military war heroes need evil doers.  Police officers need criminals.  Trial attorneys need bad guys to punish.  Politicians need victims in order to justify their actions as good, right, and heroic.

By the time we are adults we apply the opinion, “good person” or “bad person” to a human being.  The simplest part of our mind craves a simple answer to complex human situations.   Our self-hero image tells us we are right about our assessment, and we feel good about our judgment of others.

Out of habit we assign the role or title of “bad person” to someone very quickly.  In that assumption we miss the opportunity to see them as a human being with life history of experiences and challenges that led them to the situation they are in.  Implied in the assessment is that we assign our self the hero role, the “good character” in the story.

Learning the Victim Role

We are trained since a young age to assign the role of hero to others. We make others responsible and thereby make our self dependent on them.    Take your parents hand and have them lead you across the street or you will get hurt or killed. Follow your parents direction or you will get punished.  We learned to live out these roles as a means of survival.  Putting your life in the hands of others is the best thing to do as a small person learning to make your way in a big and chaotic world.  However, according to this early mindset, there is always someone that knows what is better for you than your self.  Some people eventually wake up from their role playing and decide to live their own life instead of the one others assign to them.  Some people don’t wake up to the automated roles of their life.

For the victim, when someone comes along offering to play that caretaker, rescuer, hero, role, we feel infused with hope and are thankful that they are answering our prayers.  It is a prayer that we have learned to pray to a more powerful being out side of our self.  Again looking for help and power outside instead of within our self, not really discovering what we are capable of.

The Business of Your Role In Life

The victim role of powerlessness, overwhelm, and insecurity is continually projected at us.  We learn to follow the rules and behaviors of others in order to feel safe.     How many commercials tell you that investing is complicated hard work and that you should leave it to trained professionals?  Pay them the commission and have them save you from hurting your self with financial mistakes.  The message,,, you are not smart enough or good enough to do this your self.

Insurance companies make their income from you being scared of possible outcomes and relying on them for comfort.  Banks protect your money.  Men are advised what to buy their loved one at the jewelry store so not to screw up a holiday.  Marketers assign us the role that we don’t know what to do in our lives or even in our relationship.  They come with answers to alleviate us from the fear they have offered us.

The Politics of Your Role In Life

Politicians count on you to project on to them your hero stories learned early in life.  We study the American Presidents and their great and challenging deeds.  Our teachers have us put them on pedestals and project awe and reverence at them.  We don’t see that they are human beings just like us.   In our minds we associate current presidents with past presidents and the attitude of someone saving us is comforting.  In that imagined story of comfort we don’t notice the powerless role we assign for our self.  Our projected image of them blinds us from seeing the actual character and qualities of our leaders.

What Role Will You Choose for Your Self?

How much do you live in a state of powerlessness, and insecurity because of the beliefs and roles you have adopted?  How often do you comfort your self emotionally by placing others on pedestals?   What price do you pay by assigning other people to be your heroes?  How often do you see people as ignorant or incapable just so you can attempt to save them and prop up your own imaged hero image?  What roles do you play in your life and who assigns them to you?

The process to unraveling these mysteries and what we are actually capable of is a matter of self discovery.  The Self Mastery course in Awareness can help you discover the roles you play in your life.  The Self Mastery program is a means to inventory and change your beliefs, emotions, and the roles you have been playing in your life.

No one will assign you the role of waking up from your habitual patterns.  You have to assign that role to your self.

I cover how to use awareness to break free of fearful resistance to taking action.   Jut for fun I also get into understanding origins of the financial crisis.   Credit default swaps, lobbying by banks to lower their equity reserve requirements, and speculation  is not what caused the financial bubble and subsequent meltdown.  These changes in the direction of the economy were actually the results of something else, a system of beliefs based in illusion, and propped up by faith.   The problem with bubbles, financial, romantic, or otherwise, is that they originate in the mind as illusions.  With enough faith in those illusions we create irrational exuberance, and people who lose their commons sense to the hype of emotions from being overly optimistic.

Preventing future bubbles will not depend on good laws and government oversight, although that should help.   What is really needed is a dose of awareness and skillful skepticism at what is going on in the realm of the imagination in terms of assumptions and beliefs.  Skip becoming aware of how your mind creates illusions and we follow self destructive behaviors at your own peril.

Fear and Origins of the Financial Crisis  Podcast #25 (30min) mp3